I’ve had a change of heart. I cannot lie. Pregnancy is one of my least favorite things to endure. I have been pretty resentful of this pregnancy for a while. It is hard not to be resentful with 18 straight weeks of food aversions and all day sickness. It is hard not to be resentful when the one thing you want to do is sleep, and yet you still have a home and family to care for.
It is funny how one day can change everything. I am willing to bet that seeing one beating heart would make everything worth the discomfort, but seeing two was like a wake up call.
I am growing two actual human beings, gifts from God, sent with a purpose. As usual, it is not about me, it is not about how I feel or what I want to do or what I have planned for my life. God’s plans are bigger, and they are always better than what I lay out.
Since I changed my mind about this pregnancy it has become so much more bearable. I am still utterly exhausted, I still have major food aversions (most of which are for the best anyway, these babies do NOT need pizza, Coca Cola or KFC), I still lack the desire to do much other than sit. But, you know what? I can feel these little miracles squirm around in my womb, probably kicking each other in the face, and I can relish the fact that God and I are working together to bring two new souls into the world. How often do we get to work with God? So often he works through us, but this is one of the few times that we work together!
So, I’ve changed my mind! This pregnancy could not possibly last long enough! I am so going to miss this squirmy feeling and excuse for fatness and the need to eat ice cream every night! I really need to relish and enjoy this time, because it is going to be so fleeting.
Of course, it would be so much easier if God would give us his plan ahead of time , so we could see what it was and how the pieces fit together, but perhaps that is part of the excitement of life, uncovering the great mysteries of God.
So, nearly the whole time since our world and plans changed, the following song has been playing in my head, and in my iPod. What a wonderful reminder of where my strength is found…because if my strength had to come from within myself, I would most certainly fail.
Christ is my strength.