My Life With Twins: Protecting Marriage
Working together we accomplished something great!
Society would have us think that parents of twins (0r more) are more susceptible to marital disharmony and even divorce. If we look at celebrity super families such as Jon and Kate Gosselin, it would appear that parents of twins are doomed to a lifetime of henpecking and fighting. Twins and marriage do not need to spell disaster.
An interesting study was completed in the past few years by the group, Mothers of Supertwins (MOST). It was titled “Divorce and the Multiple Birth Family.” The results were surprising to me, as I have often heard statistics citing a high divorce rate for parents of multiples. This study however, puts the divorce rate of parents of multiples at a much lower rate than the “average” married couple.
I found this surprising at first, but the more I thought about it, it made perfect sense! As I pointed out last week, I know a lot of parents of multiples, from all walks of life. Almost all of them are still married.
The same things that strain a marriage while giving birth to multiples are the same things that can strengthen a marriage.
What a team!
When I was pregnant with the girls it was not my first pregnancy, it was my sixth. However, it was my twin pregnancy that forced me to cut back on my household duties. The Rev. had to do a lot of things that he never had to before, or I had not allowed before. All of a sudden he was doing laundry, cooking, and driving the kids to and from school. Not only was it hard for me to let some of those things go (not the laundry though), it was hard for him to work these extra activities around his busy schedule. We both came out of the pregnancy with a renewed appreciation for all of the work that goes into running our household.
When I gave birth to my sons, it was almost always an easy transition for me. I am one of the very rare people who had almost no trouble breastfeeding, I had babysat extensively through my teen years and I was thrilled to be a mother and care for my kids. I handled a newborn singlehandedly. I rarely asked the Rev. to do much more than play with the new babies. I took care of the bathing and the feeding and the changing. (yes, even the laundry).
It takes TWO of us to keep up with these guys!
However, bringing home two babies instead of one threw a wrench into my routines! Now, when I got a baby out of the tub, there was another one in there as well. It took me a long time to get the hang of tandem nursing twins and I almost always had a baby crying while one was eating. I often needed the Rev. to help appease the unhappy baby while she waited her turn. The two of us were forced to work more as a team than we ever had in fifteen years of marriage!
The sense of coming through a really hard thing, and being stronger for it, the leaning on each other for help and support; these things strengthened our marriage in amazing ways.
Now, admittedly, we do not get a lot of romantic one on one time. Last Valentines Day the girls were just a month old. I had another mother come over to watch them so we could go out for a nice meal. I’ve never been good at leaving one baby with a sitter. The thought of leaving two was killing me! We had a very nice, though rushed meal. I’m glad we got out, but I decided that day that it would be a few more months before I would go out with him again sans baby. At 13 months, the girls would be fine if we left them for dinner tonight, however, they are both battling a stomach virus (their first). As always, and rightly so, the kids come before romance! We’ll get a date night soon enough!
As a mom of multiples and single birth children, I know that marriage takes work. Some days it seems like it is not worth the work it takes. Now I can see how worth it the work has really been. We really are (and this will sound sappy) prefect for each other. (And I’m pretty sure the kids appreciate the work we put into our marriage as well!)
So, chime in! How has parenting multiples changed your marriage. Has it helped or harmed it? I’d love to hear your tips for getting some time alone in a large family! You know I’d love to hear from you!
Do you have twins, are expecting twins or know someone who is? Make sure you click on over to my “Got Twins?” page and learn more about the wonders of twindom! Lots of advice and experience from pregnancy, breast feeding and beyond!
My husband and I can’t afford to hire a babysitter regurally, so we do date night at home. We put the kids to bed and eat dinner just the two of us. Having three kids has forced us to be intentional about putting our marriage before the kids. I know many moms have a problem with this, but we feel it’s best. I really think having twins improved our relationship, we have to work as a team with 3 kids under 3. Plus we appreciate our time away much more now.
I agree with you wholeheartedly! Over the years Tom and I have become much better team”mates”. The best example of this is cleaning up after a party: he packs away the tables and chairs, cleans up any messes and vacuums the whole house. I pack away all the food and wash the dishes. We usually finish about the same time and sit down and enjoy a snack or drink together (and the fact that our house is back in order usually in less than an hour!). He helps me so much — I would never be able to do half of what I do without him in the background helping me. I always tell him there’s nothing more romantic than a man washing the floor or folding laundry!! The other thing we have done for over 8 years now that has been a HUGE benefit to our marriage is our babysitting club. We are in it with 3 other families from church. Our 10 children in the group now range in age from 5 to 16, but obviously when we started they were much younger. The moms sit down and pick a date for each month of the year. Each family takes turns watching all the kids from 5:30-9:30pm every 4th month: the other couples get four hours of kid-free time! We’ve gone out for romantic dinners, movies, to the beach to watch the sunset… or the best? Staying home without the kids! Getting take-out and watching a video in your own home without any interruptions! Just an idea to pass on to other moms out there. It’s worked great for us, and the bonus is that the kids love being together and actually look forward to babysitting night