Twins and Schedules
Make sure that you put them on a schedule from day one, or you will never get any sleep.
Yes, this is the advice that I, and every other twin mom has received, beginning from that first announcement of twins. Moms of twins are supposed to create twin sleep schedules.
When one baby wakes up, wake the other, and feed them at the same time, otherwise you will be feeding babies all day long.
This is all well intentioned advice, and most of it came from actual twin moms.
The problem is, it never did fit my parenting philosophy.
By the time the twins came along, I had already raised four sons into sleeping all night. All four had and have healthy sleep habits which include them determining their own bedtimes (within reason) and waking rested and happy.
None of those four boys were ever put on a schedule (OK, Dakotateen was, briefly, until I realized that I really suck at scheduling.). I nursed them on demand, followed their hunger and sleep cues and encouraged them to recognize those cues as well.
I’ve never been known to wake a sleeping baby, and now, when I was going to have two, same-age infants in the house I was to start waking sleeping babies, all in the name of more sleep for me? No way!
What many of these well-meaning moms forget when they dish out the twin sleep schedule and tandem feeding advice is how small and floppy newborn twins are, and that feeding two newborns at one time is twenty times harder than feeding one at a time.
Call me hardcore, but I never thought it was fair to make my husband wake in the night to help me feed the babies. Some husbands do. Some husbands want to. Some husbands need their sleep. I was of the opinion that there was only room in our home for one sleep deprived parent.
What always made me shake my head was that the same people advising:
Whatever you do, remember that they are individuals, you should avoid treating them as a unit or ‘the twins’.
were the very same people who advised me to put these very different individuals on the exact same schedule. It just did not make sense to me.
The truth was, in the first few weeks I did spend up to 8 hours in a 24 hour period nursing babies. There were nights where I sat in the nursery relciner sobbing, because the babies were tag teaming and were up every hour on the hour. There were nights that I slept in that recliner with one or two babies attached to me like ticks. The first few months were a blur.
But the truth is, that is also how life was with my singletons. I nursed them a lot, I nursed them around the clock and I did not get enough sleep in the first few months. Some days I felt resentful and jealous of the other moms that claimed that their precious bundle had been sleeping through the night since 2 weeks old (now I know that they were lying).
I just never saw the point of beating myself up and forcing my babies to conform to our schedule. Up to that point in my mothering career I had never considered my children an obstacle to overcome, but rather, I thought of each of their stages as a time to embrace, and melt our lives together.
I also knew, from past experience, that if given the chance, most babies will “fall into” a schedule, and if we are observant enough, we can help encourage that schedule. I wanted (and want) my role as a mother to be more like that of a coach than of a prison warden. I want to encourage my kids and give them the tools they need, but also allow them to develop in the ways that their personalities dictate.
There is no one size fits all in parenting, and I think it is fair to allow our twins that same freedom, even if it means a little less sleep for parents.
This is by no means putting down those who schedule their twins. If this is something that you want to do, or works for your family, go for it! However, if you are on the fence, or uncomfortable with the notion, know that you are OK. Know that parenting does not come with very many black and white answers. Sometimes the best thing you can do with advice is smile and nod.
Are you curious about breastfeeding twins? I shared a lot about my experiences breastfeeding the twins in this post: Breastfeeding Twins
Do you have twins, are expecting twins or know someone who is? Make sure you click on over to my “Got Twins?” page and learn more about the wonders of twindom! Lots of advice and experience from pregnancy, breast feeding and beyond!
Chime in! Are you a mom of twins, are you expecting twins? What are your thoughts on schedules?
So good. You, of course, were one who encouraged me to not stress about schedules and once I relaxed (because I had read all those same things and ASSUMED that it meant right after you got home from the hospital!!) and realized that they will adjust as they get older, and accepted that I was going to be tired and probably cranky and in the chair feeding all day and that I did NOT in fact, have to tandem to survive it relieved SOOOO much stress off of me!
Eventually we worked into a schedule that suited our needs around 8 months, but I let them take the lead. They were ready and it was clear….when I tried early on it only made us all stress out.
Krystle recently posted..When things don’t quite go as planned
Yes, most kids will find a schedule, our bodies are designed for that, but it works out so much better when we can wait for that to happen! I think you’ve done a lovely job with your boys! I’ve enjoyed watching them grow up online:)
Dakotapam recently posted..Techie Thursday: LeapPad2 Review and Giveaway
Twitter: dakotapam
You really do have to do what is best for you. I always nursed the second twin at night. But otherwise left well enough alone. Having twins is exhausting no matter how you approach it!
Exhausting is right! It is an adventure that I feel so privileged to be enjoying!
Dakotapam recently posted..PaperlessKitchen Review and Giveaway
Twitter: dakotapam
I didn’t schedule the boys either and they’ve fallen into a great schedule naturally! At 11 months, they are finally sleeping a big chunk and I feel well-rested. I’m a very go-with-the-flow parent and suck at strict scheduling. Today’s car nap appears to be the main event…so I’m off to take twinsies to the park.
Megan recently posted..Eleven months
Twitter: runsforcoffee
Go with the flow is a great twin mom temperament! (p.s. I love your twitter handle!)
Dakotapam recently posted..Does God Give Us More Than We Can Handle?
Twitter: dakotapam
Yes! Love your philosophy! I was so worried over all the advice I would read/hear about twins since it conflicted so much with my previous parenting style. That said, with two babies and a toddler I did find great benefit in a fairly regular and somewhat strict sleep routine/schedule. Not when they were infants (your descriptions sounds SOOOOOO familiar — down to the recliner sleeping and tick-babies, haha!) but once we started solid foods the routines and schedules started to firm up.
I don’t believe you force another human being to sleep, and don’t believe in “sleep training”, though I do think there are a lot of things you can do to help the babies get into a routine. For mine, keeping caught up with sleep (avoiding sleep deprivation) helped everything go SO MUCH more smoothly. We did it a lot more successfully the second time around, with my twins, but it really helped that they were very very similar in their sleep needs (I’ve been told this happens more often with ID twins). We are still fairly regular about sleep/bedtimes at age 4 (and 6) but we’ve found we can be a lot more flexible without chaos/meltdowns ensuing now, which is refreshing! Early bedtimes meant we couldn’t go out much for evening dinner & family events for awhile there! Definitely a trade off!
Yes, all of my kids seem to need earlier bedtimes than I do. It is so funny that I don’t enforce any kind of bedtimes, yet my kids tend to go to bed earlier than their same aged peers (especially the teens). I think we have done them a favor by teaching them to read their sleep signals rather than telling them they are tired and to go to bed. This parenting thing sure is an interesting journey.
Dakotapam recently posted..Twin Tuesday: An Intro
Twitter: dakotapam
I have identical twin girls that are 3 now. Like you I never purposely wake one twin to feed the same time as the other but they usually woke up around the same time to feed anyways. The first few months really are a blur and I have no idea how we got through it but we did. When they were older I did put them on the same nap and sleep schedule so that it would be easier since they also had an older brother that is only 14months older. I do agree that each parent should figure out what works for them and not feel bad or guilt if they aren’t following what the majority of people are saying.
Twitter: bumbleofjoy
Yes, mine do go down for naps at the same time now, at 2.5, but under a year old, that did not happen much. And, usually one will fall asleep before the other. I also have one late sleeper at a time, but they seem to take turns with that! Thanks for chiming in! I always love connecting with other twin parents!
Twitter: dakotapam
I will have to ask my mom about Gina and me. My guess is she would say something similar to what you have expressed about schedules. You know me very well and saw firsthand that I was on a seriously strict schedule with Ward. It was easiest for me to be on a tight schedule and so he had to be on it with me, poor little guy. I can’t complain since he was sleeping over eight hours a night at three weeks. Of course having one baby is nothing compared to two or more
Ward is a pretty adaptable little guy! I think a strict schedule may have m=been more stressful to me than the kids:) I do know that some moms need the schedule, for their sanity, if nothing else, and that is super great. We just hear so much of “the only way to do it is xyz”. I’m always interested in hearing how people handled things like twins before “sleep expert” authors and the internet!
Dakotapam recently posted..My Feeding Friend Review and Giveaway
Twitter: dakotapam
While I didn’t have multiples, I did have three babies in 32 months. I certainly agree with the “don’t wake a sleeping baby” approach! We are militant swaddlers (ala Happiest Baby On The Block) and found that swaddling immensely helped in setting a schedule. From the time they were a few weeks old, they napped at 9am and 1pm. At around a year (give or take a few months for each child), they moved to one nap at 1pm. Now they are 4, 3, and 20 months and they still all nap for 2+ hours at 1pm…and they all share a room!
Swaddling was not in vogue with my olders, but it really didworkwell with the twins:)
Twitter: dakotapam
I know a mom who claimed her babies slept through the night at two weeks. She wasn’t lying. She was putting cereal in their evening bottles of formula. I like your way better.
Eww, yes, poor tummies! I’m not going to lie, sometimes my way sucks. I was tired and cranky. However, the well being of my children trumps my short term pleasures. So thanks:)
Twitter: dakotapam